Thoughts 1: What I Could Be

It seems more people like when I talk about my thoughts, views, and just daily life on here and on my social media accounts, so I want to publish more of my daily thoughts, since I reflect on my life very often.

As a first time mother, my mind has been in a bit of a haze. A very disruptive haze. Feeling uneasy.

I’ve dreamed of the day that I would finally become a mother. Actually since the age of 18, I’ve wanted to be a mother. I know, what 18 year old wants to be a mother?

Me.

At 18, I had my very first dream of you. I was in my mother old two bedroom home where I would share a room with my little sister. I was alone that morning because the youngins were in schools, mother at work, and me: I had the day off from work.

I woke up and began cleaning my house and by noon I was all done. For some reason I was really tired, so I decided to go take a nap. That’s when I dreamt that I had a baby boy. In my dream, I went over to my sons crib, and set him down for a nap because I wanted to nap. However, before I could even dose off, I heard him laugh because his grandmother (my mom) took him out of the crib to play with him. I got upset and told her that he needed to sleep. So I set him back down for his nap and went to my room to take mines. I woke up from the dream and suddenly I panicked. I panicked thinking that I slept for too long and left my son unattended. As I made my way to the next room, I realized that I didn’t have a baby, and the feeling of emptiness filled me. No not emptiness, that’s a bit cliche, but it was a feeling as if someone had shot me with an arrow. Both pain and shock filling my being.

That’s when I knew I couldn’t wait to me a mother. For years after that, I dreamt of my child. However, I knew it wasn’t the right time for me. Even though its what I desired the most, it just wasn’t the time. I had so many problems coming my way, so many work that I had to do to myself in order to be mentally prepare myself to be a mother.

Now here I am, four years later, I had my first baby.

I don’t know what made fate decide that it was my time after making me wait so long, but I’m happy! I have my Jeanie. Perfection of a human. A being so tender, small, and full of pure love.

However, lately I’ve been in this haze. Of what I want to be. What I mean by that is deciding of whether being a working mom, part time working mom, or just a stay at home mom. You see my dilemma is that I love working. I love having an identity outside of my home where I meet other people and able to problem solve and communicate. I love using my mind. So I don’t want to stop working. Not only that, but I work for an amazing company where I make good money and have the opportunity to make even more. Probably as much to put away in savings for my daughter and put her through school. Or for whatever she wants or needs. The hard part is that at this moment, I feel I’m missing so much. Seeing her grow and develop her personality. Seeing her first smile, her first laugh, or even her first anything, It pains me that because I’m working in this job that I might miss her baby years. Something I cherish and hold dearly. Something that I’ve wanted for so long. (I tear up just thinking of it) I come home and probably see her a couple hours before we have to be in bed so I can be at work the next morning, bright and early. Two days off is not enough when I want to spend my waking moment with her.

Then there is working part time or leaving my job to work from home for probably a smaller wage. Part time I would have to settle for a job that will have no growth. Basically nothing benefiting me besides providing another income. Working from home (If im lucky) provide me another income, but give me the flexible opportunity to spend my time with my daughter. Now with this, my problem is that I have goals in place on what I want to achieve in the near future and having this option delays those achievements.

What about staying home? Well their will be only one income and if I will be okay with my family just being okay? When I know I could give them a better life if I worked. Not only that, but like I’ve said, I love working and after my maternity leave, I was actually looking forward to returning, I just miss my angel so much!

The dilemmas of being a mother. I have friends who do all three. Stay at home, work in the same industry as me, and who work from home. At the end of the day, we chose whats best for our family, but I feel you. All mothers, of the pains of sacrificing. Its what a mother does best.

 

xoxox

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